i’m in your computer being a dumbass for free

The alien Carl Sagan explains how to get rid of crabs and also tells the crabs how to get away.

That dude was weird, even for an alien.

Not in the video, but another technique for  getting rid of crabs is spraying Raid on your crotch area. Or wherever the crabs are coming from, be it the couch or your old lady.

Fucking goddamn sexy brilliant advertising

So, today was a big news day on Yahoo! as I am sure you all saw. President Barack Obama signed a bill that is going to make smoking less yumyums, but also make you have to pay big $$$ to something called the “FDA”. Here’s some information about both smoking and the “FDA”. But you don’t have to take MY word for it…

Fact One: Smoking is yummos. Well, it can be yummos. Like if you get those tiny cigars that are flavored with real apple-cinnamon or grape soda or whatever. Cotton candy would be good, too. Or milkshake. Or tequila. BUT, get this, part of Obama’s new “thing” is a ban on candy-flavored squares. Holy smokes! There are so many (possibly amazing) flavors out there, waiting to be tried, and we’re shut down! Shut down before we’ll ever get to experiment with a new invention I just thought of called “Tasty Tokes” which would have been a fun kit that you could purchase anywhere and would enable you to mix and match several flavors to create your own uniquely flavored cigarettes. But that show’s over, folks. You can all go home. Apparently, Obama differentiates between cigarettes and Sno-cones. Moving on.

Fucking goddamn feminine hygiene

Fact Two: The FDA is a bunch of shitasses. Now, I don’t claim to know what “FDA” stands for, but I bet it is something like Fags and Douchebags Anonymous. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I mean, these are the same choads that: A. Approved Lysol as a vaginal douche; B. Put salmonella not only in my peanut butter but also my 12 dozen raw oysters at the Alligator Grille that cost me $36 even though they gave me the shits for three days; and C. Made lead be in my paint and I was going to eat that! I refuse to take advice from these clowns. Even if it is meant to save my life. Screw you, FDA.

Fucking goddamn tasty salmonella oysters

So there you have it. Some good points and info. And I bet you just took my word for it, even though I said you didn’t have to, because I made a couple of really great arguments. Thanks for reading. Comments welcome.

Dear Oklahoma,

You have such a great laugh!

I miss you. It seems like a week since I was there, in you, but it has only been four days. I pass all my time thinking about all the funny stuff you did and the nice stuff, too. Like, remember when you bought me that really strong drink and I found those pills in the bottom of the glass? Now, I knew you were not trying to drug me, even though it was suspicious, because I know we are TRUE friends. That was just a joke, right? Funny.

Also, there was that time when you said you were going to “Motherfuck some kids” and then you almost beat up that drunk old man who thought he was my dad? Thanks for standing up for me.

Having fun!

Then remember that one night when you broke my pinky toe and gave me hematomas all over my right leg and some on my head? You were drunk so you might not remember, but I do. That sure was a good one.

And that time in the parking lot at the Days Inn? When we were smashing stuff and you hit me over the head with a Weller’s bottle and I threw the ottoman at your taint but it is made of iron so it bounced off and hit the cleaning lady in the eye? Man, Oklahoma, you know how to party.

You, knowing how to party

Anyways, I gotta go but keep in touch. I’ll be back to visit again sometime and we can party all over again like it was June 2009.

Lots of love,

Hilah

Hello, my name is Dennis and I am a sophomore at McColley High School and I draw pictures of shoes as a hobby and collect packets of various condiments from fast food places as a second hobby, and I like anime a lot too, but not too much like an obsession like some people say (Harley).  I am a bagboy and work at Randalls and here is a poem I wrote about a lady whose groceries I bagged today who was pretty and smelled good and I was too shy to tell her that I loved her.

Lady with fruits

I want to squeeze all the fruits you just bought like I want to

squeeze your own woman fruits that are on your chest and are big.

Lady, I do not know your name but you smell like a beauty factory that

makes flowers and tits.

Yes, I will carry all your purchases to your car for you and then once

I have put them in your trunk I would like to put something else into your trunk, but not another bag of groceries, hint hint…

When you wrote a check for you groceries I saw that you had Bugs Bunny on them and I thought that was funny because I have seen him on my sister’s shirt except on that shirt he is a hip-hop Bugs, but on your check he was just regular and I like your ass.

Lady with fruits I love you and hope you will come back, cause then I will tell you how I feel when I see you and you will love me and rub my balls, maybe.

–Dennis Calmonte