Jason Answers “Where Is Jerry?”

Okay people.  Now, I am sure you are probably all wondering…seriously, guys…WHERE IS THE NEW FUNNY? I know.  I get it.  I am just like you..just better at a lot more things and generally more interesting and a little taller, but what I mean is I know where you are coming from-from a hum-drum vacuous state of complete and utter unfunny shittitude.

That may sound a little harsh.  But if I may quote the movie Hot Rod, “Life is pain.  You gotta scratch out a little fun.”  I know the meaningless depths of your own personal hell.  Believe me.  I have never actually experienced the kind of loneliness and despair from which you suffer, sure.  I have an incredible tan and make various jams and jellies in my condominium, but I think I have some clue of what you are going through.  Shoot.  I speak for the whole group when I say, “hellz yeahz weez dozz.”

YOU NEED US!

Let me let you in on a little secret.  This one is strong enough for a man and comprehendible enough for a woman.  We here at bigoltirefire.com have had to put the funny on hold for a moment while we retreat to the woods to attend Elaine Boosler’s Comedy Camp in an effort to once again attain that spark that had ignited our funny in the first place.

It’s okay.  We slipped.  We lost our way.  It happens, even to the most brilliant and well adjusted among us.  It’s been a helluva ride, and Elaine and her staff have done their best to rejuvenate our love of laughter and sarcasm and irony and poo-poo and pee-pee and retards and drugs and shit.  The spark has been recovered, and I have personally made love to Elaine Boosler by the moonlight and she will be accompanying me back to my condominium where she will help me make my jellies and jams.

The point is, before you know it, 4 MORE EPISODES of JERRY! will be uploaded and ready for viewing so stay tuned!  We will never let you down again.  Camp has taught us that-that you NEED US, that it our duty as arbiters of FUNNY to administer the fuckin’ comedy jamz, so hold tight and check us daily…tell your friends…and take a stroll through the annals of the website and view classic videos from the past months….and in the words of Peter Frampton, “We are in you.”

- Jason Andres

Palin V. Biden

Alright. Everyone and their armpit has a little sumpin sumpin to say about tonight’s debate. Blah blah blah.

Sarah Palin.

I am personally still recuperating from the doctorization of that poolside Palin photo. I wanted it to be true. I am not a political person. Some would say by virtue of being human I am a political person whether or not I choose to get involved, but the people that spout this nonsense I like to bitch slap with barbed wire.

The honest truth of it is I pressed my own warped sexual fantasies upon this woman. I wanted it all to be true. Her ignorance drove me insane with lust. I wanted to do her against a tree after a long day of hunting and listen to that nasally Alaskan timbre in my ear repeat over and over a list of the evilest books mankind had ever created whilst I busted a nut. It wasn’t until I read Margaret Cho’s elaborate Palin sex romp fantasy that I realized it had run its course. My dick was engorged, I was laughing hysterically, but something was, mmm…missing.

Joe Biden.

Now, when I think of Biden I imagine a drunk divorcee at a waterpark. I can just see him by the ladies restroom, smoking a Benson and Hedges, a matted spread of luxurious white chest hair, stammering speech and swaying, while chlorinated water drips in patterns from those horrendous hair plugs. Aquasox. Cutty Sark. You get the picture.

He’s the guy at the head of a conga line. He could pick up chicks at a funeral. He would beat up a teenager, I think, over a sport. When I imagine him and Palin going at it, it’s not over foreign policy concerns or the Bailout (which is capitalized now for some reason) or creationism vs. evolution or having retards vs. aborting retards. I picture them going at it over…..2 bottles of Pinot Grigio, a hot tub, and a view of the Russian coastline. Who’s with me?? Damn, the sexual tension between those two is going to be fuckin toxic this evening! Come on, you all kinda want to see these two do it, right? Like in a 1970′s blurry-moaning-incest is hot-kinda way, you know? I am sure tonight’s festivities will be exciting no matter what, and maybe Biden will be the bulldog, or maybe he’ll be a gentleman. Blah blah blah. I guarantee you, though, the sexual tension will be palpable–or palatable…all that. Damn.

–Jason Andres,
from Big Ol Tire Fire