I’m the Jason Andres of all Jason Andres’ !!!!
Posted: October 29th, 2009 | Author: Jason | Filed under: News | Tags: big ol tire fire, Blog, Comedy, Craig Staggs, do it yourself, Fucktown, funny, Hilah Johnson, Jason Andres, jessica gardner, Koi Ponds, Mark Stewart, Michael jackson, Steph Swope, Stonehenge | 2 Comments »
Hey everyone. I’m Jason Andres from Big ‘Ol Tire Fire. That’s a picture of me from Stonehenge. Notice my comedic irreverance and silly devil-may-care attitiude. That’s a clear sign that you are dealing with a Jason Andres, for sure.
If you’re like me you probably google yourself some 35 times a day. Am I right? I mean, really, what else is there to do?
What gets me lately is the ridicule I’ve been receiving from some people who think it a little obsessive of me to fixate so much on my ‘online persona’. They don’t get it. But hey, I’m a member of an elite club – I’m a Jason Andres – and membership requires I wear a lot of half shirts and stay on point. To show you exactly what I mean, I have chosen to highlight a few members of this sacred fraternity – my brethren – the other Jason Andres’:
Here’s a good example. We’re festive. We’re fun. And, not only do Jason Andres’ look good against blue backgrounds, but we look almost saintly framed in leaf borders. This one’s expression says: “Hello, I’m Jason Andres, and when I get done doing this really important thing I’m doing, I’m going to have sex with you.” A classic Jason Andres look, to be sure.
Here we are being cocky again. Busted! This is the kind of Jason Andres who would love nothing more than to explain the pros and cons (who am I kidding – their really aren’t any) to installing and maintaining your very own koi pond. You’d probably even get into his car if it were raining and you had been out looking for your missing dog all afternoon, and he rolled up and somehow knew your full name and address and had a nice hot cup of cocoa in one hand and your dog’s collar in the other. That’s how we do it. It’s in the trusting eyes of a Jason Andres. Dog lovers, one and all.
Jason Andres is a master of commerce, but he’s also not afraid to get his hands dirty, as demonstarted by one of our rural namesakes here. He can also strike a casual pose ‘on the fly’. Notice the toe-to-ground / heel-up position of the right foot. That’s relaxed! This particular Jason Andres just took a dump at a Dairy Queen. Didn’t even eat. Just went in for the dump.
We’re winners – plain and simple. Jason Andres’ set their sights high – so high, in fact, that they find it hard to breathe when they get to where they’re going becuase the oxygen is so damn thin…cause it’s so..high up..like as in elevation. Also, it’s lonely at the top. Jason Andres’ know the loneliness of the winner’s circle. They’ve worn the green blazer! They’ve hoisted the cup over their heads! They’ve felt the stinging spray of champagne on their private parts in a locker room!
So as you can see it’s a hell of a club I’m in. And you thought I was the wondrous and compelling one – HA ! We’re all just doing our part, one Jason Andres at a time. And yeah, admittedly I enjoy being the first Jason Andres to pop up on a google search . But I have a feeling it won’t be for long. I’m pretty sure there’s a young Jason Andres out there right now just waiting to take that #1 spot from me. And unto him I say:
Come and get it muthaf***a!!!!
hi, my names Steve, thats Steve French to you, and i have the absolute pleasure of knowing a certain Jason Andres, he’s a great chap, who likes nothing beter than to take long strolls along the beach, gazing out over the water and enjoying the most beautiful of sunsets, he also likes soaking in the hot tub whilst sharing a glass of wine with that special someone, he loves all sports, from cricket to chess, netball to polo and rugby to sumo wrestling, it comes as no surprise that he happens to be a regular at the most infamous of all the best private nightclubs in the land, since he is refferred to as the most majestic warrior on the dance floor since he was shown the secret dance moves from the dance masters of the north ( a long way away, over high mountains and wide rivers). He can be found meditating on the most simple of ethical questions sitting under the giant oak tree on the banks of the Quanxie River alongside Song Mountain, carfree and high on LSD, my friend Jason Andres is so cool, that everybody who meets him refferrs to him as Mr Cool, aka, I C Cool, He truely is great, holy and occasionally flying high on the Methamphetamine drug known as the mighty WizBang. He is a religious man who prays to Crom, so its comes as no surprise that when he shall die, he will go before his god Crom, where he will be asked the age old question, ” What is the riddle of Steel” and if he does not know it, Crom will cast him out of Valhalla and laugh at him, thats Crom, Strong in his Mountain.
Jason Andres, you are a Stallion among mules!
I’m betting he’s more like the rest of the JA’s – a braying jackass among lame stallions.