My Saturdays are totally whacked!

Man. My Saturdays are explosive little balls of jizm. I start the day around 9am with a good whack. I call it my Good Morning America Whack!. I typically do it while my girlfriend is still asleep beside me. If she wakes up I pretend that I am having a seizure then laugh, you know, cause she knows I’m not epileptic. She doesn’t suspect a thing, though.

When I’m making breakfast and my girlfriend is in the shower, I like to do a little whack right there over the hot stove-the combo of sweat, butter, and jalapeno juice really gets things moving. I like to watch the cat clean herself for this whack. She always just kind of looks at me with the same empty, disapproving eyes, and when I finish, I usually have to grab something to hold onto (cause bustin nutz can make you dizzy) and last Saturday it was a hot burner and I cursed all holy hell and my girlfriend heard me in the shower, so she yelled, “is everything okay, honey?” and I say, “Yes, dear.” Man it was close, but a good whack nonetheless. I sometimes wonder if the thrill of getting caught doesn’t heighten my enjoyment of a good whack.

After breakfast we usually go shopping. Usually that means we stop at Target to buy some pillows and shit. SCORE! I love whacking one at Target! The color red totally puts me in the mood for a good old fashioned whackfest. I just go, “Babe, gonna go grab a popcorn or a pretzel and maybe take a dump, cool?” She doesn’t know I usually go and get a whack in. This one is kind of an influenced-by-the-fluorescent-lights sort of whack. Usually there is a crying kid in there, or an employee taking a shit, or some teenager ripping the tags off clothes. It’s not like the best most ideal spot for a whack, but it’s cool cause it’s in a store, and you just leave it at that. I’ve cried after one of these whacks, and held my penis extra long afterward.

Sometimes on the drive home I try to fit in a whack while my girlfriend is driving. This is usually the most difficult whack of the day. You have to be real cool, like that magician David Copperfield. Like, I have to distract her to perform this whack, which is hard, so usually I get her started on naming stuff she sees out the window, which she likes doing anyway, so I don’t feel bad that she’s doing it, cause we are both benefiting, you know? Sometimes when I bust the traveling-in-the-car nut, I have to grab like the gear shift or the wheel, and the car can veer into another lane, which is scary, but worth it for a good whack session. Man, sometimes I wonder just how many whacks a dude has in him!

Finally, at the end of the day, I gather round the computer, make a whiskey La Croix, and find myself sort of reminiscing on the whacks of the day. Man–that is a funny name for a movie: Whacks of the Day. I might actually watch that one. It’s funny. As I write you now I realize I may just have another one in me..Ahh let’s go for it. It’s been that kind of Saturday. A Saturday for the record books. She’s in the…let’s..oh man…oh man here she>>>>…..lsd ,,, ,//../… …”’…