Posted: May 26th, 2009 | Author: Mark | Filed under: News | Tags: Comedy, Mark Stewart, rumors | No Comments »

Since most of Big Ol’ Tire Fire is busy working on The Spider Babies for Rockhouse Pictures, I thought I’d repeat some unsubstantiated rumors I may have seen on the web.

First, some mood music:

Jobs pretends to take a hands-off approach to running Apple

Cupertino, California: Apple bigshot Steve Jobs is faking illness to drive down stock prices in prelude to a hostile takeover of Segway. He is fooling his doctor with the old “thermometer on the light bulb” trick he learned from E.T.

Dubuque, Arkasas: Jason from Big Ol’ Tire Fire has reportedly been wed here to an seventeen year-old stripper, whom he met at a sleepaway girl’s camp he had been stalking. The stripper moonlights as a junior counselor at the intensive volleyball camp for at-risk teen girls. The couple honeymooned in Minsk.

This couple was last seen buying oil drums at Whole Foods

Austin, Texas: Caroline Kennedy gave a speech here last night in which she admonished Americans for not being as obsessed with the conspiracy theories surrounding her father’s murder as they used to be.

Edmonton, Pennsylvania: Some hippies from upstate New York discovered oil in this tiny town. They have given up being hippies and are hoarding the oil.

New York City, New York: 9/11 was a hoax. 911 is a joke.

Stop! Rumor Time!

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma: Voters in this ten-syllable city are considering the adoption of a new, shorter name. Leading contenders are: Fuckface, Oklahoma; Godhatesfags, Oklahoma; and London, Texas.

Timex Social Club–New York, New York: Tina may be much too loose; Michael dances so well, he must be gay; Susan is a tease. Also, the death penalty is being considered in cases where perpetrators start rumors, even if the rumors are true.

If you know of more rumors that bear repeating, send them along.

Show Your Stupid Friends: