The Oceans and Obama

Posted: January 18th, 2009 | Author: Hilah | Filed under: News | Tags: Barack Obama, Hilah Johnson, ocean | 7 Comments »

So I was reading up on Barack Obama’s plans for the environment and stuff and I came across this article here.

It’s all about how the planet is going to be totally fucked in four years unless Obama can fly around the Earth several times, fast enough to reverse its direction and take us back to 1985 when we didn’t have these problems and Back to the Future had just come out and we could all just go to the movies and forget about this pickle we’re in with the energy and oceans and running out of “car juice”.  After the movie we would all get right to work, of course, on inventing SUVs that run on piss and create whiskey and a giant safety drain for the oceans.  In the awesome event that this happens, I believe it would behoove us all to learn a little about the oceans before our trip back in time.  I have therefore taken the time to write a brief article on the ocean and its contents.  Enjoy! And I look forward to seeing you back in 1985!

Oceans: A Three Part Series

by Hilah Johnson

Part One: The Ocean

The ocean covers most of the planet Earth. It is very deep; in some places it is over 100 feet deep. Most of the ocean is outlined with sand. This sandy outline is called “beaches”. The ocean is also not drinkable, despite its refreshing appearance. It is like if you accidentally made Berry Blue Kool-Aid with salt instead of sugar. That is why it is pretty much useless as far as drinking it is concerned.

The temperature of the ocean varies a lot depending on where you are measuring it. One theory is that if you had a really long thermometer (say, 100 feet long) and put it in the ocean at the equator, the temperature at the bottom of the ocean would be over a 100 degrees Celsius. To put it in perspective, that is not as hot as the sun, but still pretty hot.

Even though the ocean can get really hot, there are still many animals and plants that live in it. In the next chapter, we will explore some of these creatures.

Part Two: The Animals

The ocean is home to many animals. Some of them you may have heard of, but most you probably have not because they live at the bottom and no one has ever seen them.

One of the most interesting animals of the ocean is the eel. Eels are long and skinny and slippery. Most people are scared of them because some of them are electronic and can kill you. Japanese people like to eat eels for breakfast.

Another animal that is plentiful is the starfish. The interesting thing about starfish is that they are not actually related to stars or fish. They come in many colors and sizes and unlike regular stars can have up to 20 points. The points are called arms although they cannot be used like human arms to hold things or fly.

My personal favorite animal that lives in the ocean is the sponge. Now, this is confusing to many people because they think, “How can a sponge live in the ocean? Wouldn’t it just suck it all up?”  This is a very reasonable assumption, but I assure you there is nothing to worry about. The sponges that live in the ocean are too small (two inches) to suck up very much of the ocean. Mostly, they just keep it clean for the eels.

Part Three: The Plants

There are only two kinds of plants that live in the ocean. As stated in Part One, the ocean is mostly salt with only some water and as we all know, plants need water to live. Thus, there are only two plants that are adapted to the ocean life.

The first one is called seaweed. At first, this sounds like a confusing name, until you realize that “sea” is another word for “ocean”. Therefore, we have “oceanweed” and as that name suggests, this plant is found all through the ocean and is nearly impossible to eradicate. It serves no purpose and at least three cheerleaders’ deaths and one surfer’s have been directly attributed to it worldwide.

The other kind of plant that is in the ocean is clams. Clams grow on the bottom of the ocean and are difficult to pick due to their location. Fortunately, clams can be farmed on clam farms to ensure their availability. Although covered in a hard pod, clams are highly nutritious and the only known source of Vitamin Clam.

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