A simple and very true email about the Republican’s new health care plan from an American just like you, but a tiny bit smarter.

It's your fault, 'cause your poor.

After exhaustive research and an painstaking review of the Republicans health Care Plan they call “It’s The Sick Bastard’s Fault, Stupid” or “ITSBFS” I have found some things I think people should be warned about.

Just be yourself and don't tell anyone you are on you period.

The ITSBFS plan is thirty seven pages long and six of those are blank pages at the end. The intro is ten pages long and is written by Sarah Palin in the form of a children’s book about a pubescent bear who wanted to be a cheerleader. The glossary is longer than the text it self. And there is a section in the middle of glossy photos of Senators scaring the shit out of old people. I’m not saying it’s short, but if it was a dick, you would not want to help it with a flat tire. I’m not saying it lacks substance, but there is a place in that plan where the pages have been carved out so you can sneak a gun into a town hall meeting. But who wants a long health care bill? Something like this is simple. The republican plan-

“…realizes the simple truth that poor people are fat and ugly and don’t deserve bullshit like doctors and welfare.”

ITSBFS will kill your gay friends with aids. It’s absolutely true. It’s not satire. I read it. And now I am reporting it ver-batim in an email or on the internet screen itself. The republican plan will set up clinics across America and round up all the gay people with aids and kill them. The effort will be lead by a Gay Czar. The main qualification being a good gay-dar. In addition the plan expects many gays to go underground so the plan includes vouchers so that Americans can put cc-cameras in their closets to check if there are any queers trolling about in the tweeds. You heard that shit on the internet, first.

ITSBFS made this man sad.

Every woman must show her vagina to a priest, rabbi, preacher, padre, or minister each month to prove she ain’t got a baby lodged up in there.

All aboard!

If she does, she will be sent to Love Camp where abortions are not only illegal, they are impossible (and miscarriages are frowned upon). The babies that ain’t Baptist will be converted and sent to Dallas in rail cars called Chugga Chugga Baby Box Cars.

Old people will not be murdered by black Muslim doctors in their sleep like in the Obama care plan. Instead, they will be forced to live forever in tanks made of a special liquid blessed by Pat Robertson. You’ll visit them by placing a coin in a slot and picking a combo code on the key pad. Then a canister will be retrieved from deep within the facilities. You’ll see grandma behind a porthole window as you are warned by the usher once again that “the client may appear to be dead, but rest assured he or she is just sleeping, next.”

Respecting life one canister at a time.

Down Syndrome children are encouraged, but the condition will be renamed Up Syndrome.

ERs will now be run like auction houses. Auctioneers will call out treatments and ask for bids and the patients will make offers, thus assuring that the free market rules.

Condoms will be free at all clinics and hospitals, but the will have tiny holes poked in them.

In order to guard against the black-Muslim-anti-Christ-socialist take over of health care in the future the new health care department will be run by the KKK a group regarded on the right as the traditional defenders of health care.

And here, and initial here, and again here...

Lastly, each and every patient, now referred to as “clients” will sign a form “recognizing the superiority of the corporate health care system and state implicitly that you understand that it is indeed necessary to kill some people to protect the bottom line and forget all this ‘Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness’ drivel once and for all you small and unimportant little flesh fleck.”

So that is my report. Scary as it is it is all obviously very true and real. Like the man outside of your window, the ITSBFS plan is just waiting to put a baby in you. That’s not what I call reform.

Please forward this email to everyone you know. We must get the truth out there before it is too late. And here is a big ass picture of the American flag:

I'm pretty sure this makes my point.

Fucking goddamn sexy brilliant advertising

So, today was a big news day on Yahoo! as I am sure you all saw. President Barack Obama signed a bill that is going to make smoking less yumyums, but also make you have to pay big $$$ to something called the “FDA”. Here’s some information about both smoking and the “FDA”. But you don’t have to take MY word for it…

Fact One: Smoking is yummos. Well, it can be yummos. Like if you get those tiny cigars that are flavored with real apple-cinnamon or grape soda or whatever. Cotton candy would be good, too. Or milkshake. Or tequila. BUT, get this, part of Obama’s new “thing” is a ban on candy-flavored squares. Holy smokes! There are so many (possibly amazing) flavors out there, waiting to be tried, and we’re shut down! Shut down before we’ll ever get to experiment with a new invention I just thought of called “Tasty Tokes” which would have been a fun kit that you could purchase anywhere and would enable you to mix and match several flavors to create your own uniquely flavored cigarettes. But that show’s over, folks. You can all go home. Apparently, Obama differentiates between cigarettes and Sno-cones. Moving on.

Fucking goddamn feminine hygiene

Fact Two: The FDA is a bunch of shitasses. Now, I don’t claim to know what “FDA” stands for, but I bet it is something like Fags and Douchebags Anonymous. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I mean, these are the same choads that: A. Approved Lysol as a vaginal douche; B. Put salmonella not only in my peanut butter but also my 12 dozen raw oysters at the Alligator Grille that cost me $36 even though they gave me the shits for three days; and C. Made lead be in my paint and I was going to eat that! I refuse to take advice from these clowns. Even if it is meant to save my life. Screw you, FDA.

Fucking goddamn tasty salmonella oysters

So there you have it. Some good points and info. And I bet you just took my word for it, even though I said you didn’t have to, because I made a couple of really great arguments. Thanks for reading. Comments welcome.

So I was reading up on Barack Obama’s plans for the environment and stuff and I came across this article here.

It’s all about how the planet is going to be totally fucked in four years unless Obama can fly around the Earth several times, fast enough to reverse its direction and take us back to 1985 when we didn’t have these problems and Back to the Future had just come out and we could all just go to the movies and forget about this pickle we’re in with the energy and oceans and running out of “car juice”.  After the movie we would all get right to work, of course, on inventing SUVs that run on piss and create whiskey and a giant safety drain for the oceans.  In the awesome event that this happens, I believe it would behoove us all to learn a little about the oceans before our trip back in time.  I have therefore taken the time to write a brief article on the ocean and its contents.  Enjoy! And I look forward to seeing you back in 1985!

Oceans: A Three Part Series

by Hilah Johnson

Part One: The Ocean

The ocean covers most of the planet Earth. It is very deep; in some places it is over 100 feet deep. Most of the ocean is outlined with sand. This sandy outline is called “beaches”. The ocean is also not drinkable, despite its refreshing appearance. It is like if you accidentally made Berry Blue Kool-Aid with salt instead of sugar. That is why it is pretty much useless as far as drinking it is concerned.

The temperature of the ocean varies a lot depending on where you are measuring it. One theory is that if you had a really long thermometer (say, 100 feet long) and put it in the ocean at the equator, the temperature at the bottom of the ocean would be over a 100 degrees Celsius. To put it in perspective, that is not as hot as the sun, but still pretty hot.

Even though the ocean can get really hot, there are still many animals and plants that live in it. In the next chapter, we will explore some of these creatures.

Part Two: The Animals

The ocean is home to many animals. Some of them you may have heard of, but most you probably have not because they live at the bottom and no one has ever seen them.

One of the most interesting animals of the ocean is the eel. Eels are long and skinny and slippery. Most people are scared of them because some of them are electronic and can kill you. Japanese people like to eat eels for breakfast.

Another animal that is plentiful is the starfish. The interesting thing about starfish is that they are not actually related to stars or fish. They come in many colors and sizes and unlike regular stars can have up to 20 points. The points are called arms although they cannot be used like human arms to hold things or fly.

My personal favorite animal that lives in the ocean is the sponge. Now, this is confusing to many people because they think, “How can a sponge live in the ocean? Wouldn’t it just suck it all up?”  This is a very reasonable assumption, but I assure you there is nothing to worry about. The sponges that live in the ocean are too small (two inches) to suck up very much of the ocean. Mostly, they just keep it clean for the eels.

Part Three: The Plants

There are only two kinds of plants that live in the ocean. As stated in Part One, the ocean is mostly salt with only some water and as we all know, plants need water to live. Thus, there are only two plants that are adapted to the ocean life.

The first one is called seaweed. At first, this sounds like a confusing name, until you realize that “sea” is another word for “ocean”. Therefore, we have “oceanweed” and as that name suggests, this plant is found all through the ocean and is nearly impossible to eradicate. It serves no purpose and at least three cheerleaders’ deaths and one surfer’s have been directly attributed to it worldwide.

The other kind of plant that is in the ocean is clams. Clams grow on the bottom of the ocean and are difficult to pick due to their location. Fortunately, clams can be farmed on clam farms to ensure their availability. Although covered in a hard pod, clams are highly nutritious and the only known source of Vitamin Clam.