Big Ol’ Tire Fire The Chalk Show with Craig Staggs Episode 2 featuring Tami Nelson and Chris Trew of The New Movement Theater. This weekend in Austin: Fun Fun Fest.

Hey everyone.  I’m Jason Andres from Big ‘Ol Tire Fire.  That’s a picture of me from Stonehenge.  Notice my comedic irreverance and silly devil-may-care attitiude.  That’s a clear sign that you are dealing with a Jason Andres, for sure.

If you’re like me you probably google yourself some 35 times a day.  Am I right? I mean, really, what else is there to do?

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Big Battle Fat Camp from Mario Pena on Vimeo.

This is a short stop-motion film done by our friend Mario for Bloodshots 2009.  Mark and I did some voice acting for it. You can tell which voice is mine because the little doll representing my firm thighs and tight ass bounces up and down in perfect time to the melodic timbre of my voice. You can tell which one is Mark because he sounds like a kid with a mouthful of marshmallows. Happy Halloween!

That girl gave me attitude

Hey, sexies, what’s up? Whatever. Listen, I gotta tell you about this new place to boycott cause of political reasons and shit. Check it: McDonald’s. Now I ain’t crazy, I ain’t even trying to tell you you gotta boycott all of em. That’d be way nutz. No. I’m just saying fuck that one up there on I-35. I went in there today to get me one of the McCafe’s since I stayed up way too late making Jell-o shots and needed a little pick-um-up before work. So I went through the drive through and got me a big vanilla latte and I start driving off and I taste it, and it tastes like shit. So I park my car and I walk my ass up to that window and I’m like, “Hey! This ain’t right! This drink tastes like a bunch of bullshit baby titty milk. I need some coffee in this shit.” And that chick was all, “You want me to make you another one?” and I was all, “Shit yes, I do.” So I went and waited in my car again and they took FOREVER making me a new one and then she brings it to my car and I taste that one and get this: That shit tasted like goddamn hazelnutz! Fuck! I can’t stand hazelnutz. Well by now, I was late for my goddamn job at the pretzel kiosk and so I said “Fuck this” and threw that shitty hazelnutz bullshit all over their parking lot and blew that joint.

Hazelnutz make me puke in my hairnet

Fuck Hazelnutz and Fuck that McDonald’s on I-35 Forever!!!

Well, it’s been raining here finally. It was pretty cool for the first day but now it’s just making me sleepy… and horny. BUT just because it does that, it is no reason to wish for the rain to stop. We actually need rain. We need it to survive. Without rain, we could die. Talk to some Native Americans about it; they know. Anyway, since many of you have probably only seen rain about once or twice before, here’s  a little background info on it so you understand what we’re dealing with and not fuck it up for everyone.

Warning: Contains clouds

1) Clouds ain’t food
A lot of times clouds look like cotton candy or cotton balls or other edible stuff. They are not. If you tried to eat a cloud, you’d end up with a mouth full of air and maybe some feathers too, from the angels that live in the clouds. Clouds is where angels like to hang out. It’s cool and it’s real high up so they can spy on Earthlings. If you’re ever in an airplane and you go through some clouds, look out for angels. If you’re flying the airplane, go ahead and try to hit them. They won’t die and it’s kind of a fun game.

1) Raindrops are Angel tears
It seems the badder we are here on earth, the sadder the angels get and they cry. They cry raindrops. We need those raindrops! I can think of many things to do to make angels cry; how many can you think of? 

Pimp out your sister

Leave porn on a playground

Cuss on the internet

Burn down a church

2) Rain water is made of acid
This is part of the ”Global Warning”. I think what the acid rain is warning us about is the global pollution and local pollution, too. Think about this the next time you take a wiz outside. Acid rain will dissolve your car’s paint and also the paint off schoolbuses, making them hard to see, therefore making children more likely to die in a wreck, therefore making angels cry more, starting what’s called a “rain cycle”. It might also dissolve the paint off your face, and then the skin, too. It is rumored that Michael Jackson put acid rain on people’s faces to make the Thriller video zombies.