NOW SHOWING @ deadCenter Film Fest

Friday, June 11th at Midnight.
http://deadcenter.bside.com/2010/films/freerangeasshole_deadcenter2010

Big Ol’ Tire Fire’s short film about an idiot who drags his wife along on a mission to prove the existence of a fabled creature.

Hey everyone.  I’m Jason Andres from Big ‘Ol Tire Fire.  That’s a picture of me from Stonehenge.  Notice my comedic irreverance and silly devil-may-care attitiude.  That’s a clear sign that you are dealing with a Jason Andres, for sure.

If you’re like me you probably google yourself some 35 times a day.  Am I right? I mean, really, what else is there to do?

What gets me lately is the ridicule I’ve been receiving from some people who think it a little obsessive of me to fixate so much on my ‘online persona’.  They don’t get it.   But hey, I’m a member of an elite club – I’m a Jason Andres – and membership requires I wear a lot of half shirts and stay on point.  To show you exactly what I mean, I have chosen to highlight a few members of this sacred fraternity – my brethren – the other Jason Andres’:

Here’s a good example.  We’re festive.  We’re fun.   And, not only do Jason Andres’ look good against blue backgrounds, but we look almost saintly framed in leaf borders.  This one’s expression says: “Hello, I’m Jason Andres, and when I get done doing this really important thing I’m doing, I’m going to have sex with you.”  A classic Jason Andres look, to be sure.

Here we are being cocky again.  Busted!  This is the kind of Jason Andres who would love nothing more than to explain the pros and cons (who am I kidding – their really aren’t any) to installing and maintaining your very own koi pond.  You’d probably even get into his car if it were raining and you had been out looking for your missing dog all afternoon, and he rolled up and somehow knew your full name and address and had a nice hot cup of cocoa in one hand and your dog’s collar in the other. That’s how we do it.  It’s in the trusting eyes of a Jason Andres.  Dog lovers, one and all.

Jason Andres is a master of commerce, but he’s also not afraid to get his hands dirty, as demonstarted by one of our rural namesakes here.  He can also strike a casual pose ‘on the fly’.  Notice the toe-to-ground /  heel-up position of the right foot.  That’s relaxed!  This particular Jason Andres just took a dump at a Dairy Queen.  Didn’t even eat.  Just went in for the dump.

We’re winners – plain and simple.  Jason Andres’ set their sights high – so high, in fact, that they find it hard to breathe when they get to where they’re going becuase the oxygen is so damn thin…cause it’s so..high up..like as in elevation.  Also, it’s lonely at the top.  Jason Andres’ know the loneliness of the winner’s circle.  They’ve worn the green blazer!  They’ve hoisted the cup over their heads!  They’ve felt the stinging spray of champagne on their private parts in a locker room!

So as you can see it’s a hell of a club I’m in.  And you thought I was the wondrous and compelling one – HA !  We’re all just doing our part, one Jason Andres at a time.  And yeah, admittedly I enjoy being the first Jason Andres to pop up on a google search .   But I have a feeling it won’t be for long.  I’m pretty sure there’s a young Jason Andres out there right now just waiting to take that #1 spot from me.  And unto him I say:

Come and get it muthaf***a!!!!

Big Battle Fat Camp from Mario Pena on Vimeo.

This is a short stop-motion film done by our friend Mario for Bloodshots 2009.  Mark and I did some voice acting for it. You can tell which voice is mine because the little doll representing my firm thighs and tight ass bounces up and down in perfect time to the melodic timbre of my voice. You can tell which one is Mark because he sounds like a kid with a mouthful of marshmallows. Happy Halloween!

That girl gave me attitude

Hey, sexies, what’s up? Whatever. Listen, I gotta tell you about this new place to boycott cause of political reasons and shit. Check it: McDonald’s. Now I ain’t crazy, I ain’t even trying to tell you you gotta boycott all of em. That’d be way nutz. No. I’m just saying fuck that one up there on I-35. I went in there today to get me one of the McCafe’s since I stayed up way too late making Jell-o shots and needed a little pick-um-up before work. So I went through the drive through and got me a big vanilla latte and I start driving off and I taste it, and it tastes like shit. So I park my car and I walk my ass up to that window and I’m like, “Hey! This ain’t right! This drink tastes like a bunch of bullshit baby titty milk. I need some coffee in this shit.” And that chick was all, “You want me to make you another one?” and I was all, “Shit yes, I do.” So I went and waited in my car again and they took FOREVER making me a new one and then she brings it to my car and I taste that one and get this: That shit tasted like goddamn hazelnutz! Fuck! I can’t stand hazelnutz. Well by now, I was late for my goddamn job at the pretzel kiosk and so I said “Fuck this” and threw that shitty hazelnutz bullshit all over their parking lot and blew that joint.

Hazelnutz make me puke in my hairnet

Fuck Hazelnutz and Fuck that McDonald’s on I-35 Forever!!!