Leonardo Da Vinci and the Kennedy Assassination

Posted: January 30th, 2009 | Author: Mark | Filed under: Dumbass | Tags: Assassination, Jack Lemmon, JFK, John Candy, John F. Kennedy, Kevin Costner, Leonardo Da Vinci, Leonardo Dicaprio, Mark Stewart, Tommy Lee Jones | No Comments »

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about this guy Leonardo Da Vinci and his alleged role in the Kennedy assassination. Everybody seems to think Da Vinci’s ancient drawings of helicopters and naked ladies contain some kind of code that predicted the biblical flood and Kennedy assassination and the eventual end of the world at the hands of Tommy Lee Jones. However, I think this is wrong.

I took a meeting with Jack Lemmon at the Driskill Hotel bar late one night in the early nineteen-eighties. Years before that Oliver Stone movie (JFK), Jack told me the story of a very sweaty John Candy’s role in the JFK assassination in New Orleans and the cover-up that followed. Jack told me that if the real John Candy had lived longer, then Kevin Costner was really going to prosecute him in an actual court of law, albeit this time in one with air conditioning.

Jack was very nervous that night and was drinking more heavily than usual. Within half an hour of arriving, he was soused. He kept saying, “What does that have to do with the price of rice in China?” and “You can’t make an omelette,” driving home every point by banging his glass on the table. He shouted at the bartender, over-enunciating every syllable as if to prove he wasn’t yet drunk, “Set them up, Joe. You can’t make a fucking omelette?”

The bartender, who was not at all pleased with his behavior, replied, “We don’t make omelettes in this bar, Mr. Lemmon, sir.”

“What’s that got to do with the price of rice in China?” Jack said, then elbowed me hard in the ribs. “This guy says he doesn’t make omelettes!”

“Fuck, Jack…” I said, “Can you forget the omelettes and tell me some more about the connection between Da Vinci and Tommy Lee Jones?”

But the sixteen bourbons on the rocks had done their job, and instead of answering me Jack broke down in a quivering heap on the bar, sobbing and crying, “I can’t! You just don’t get it, do you, Mark? I can’t…you can’t make omelettes.” He shouted “omelettes” at the top of his lungs, but suddenly realized he was making quite a scene in the posh hotel bar. “Take me to my room, put me to bed. I can’t be here anymore.”

I helped him up and we walked together to his room, he having summoned enough dignity and balance to walk on his own, only occasionally leaning on me or grabbing my arm to catch his balance. When we arrived at his door, he grabbed my collar and pulled me in close, as if he were going to whisper some kernel of truth that was eating him up and killing him to be released. Instead, he spit in my face and, in the same precise voice he had used with the bartender, told me, “You’re barking in the wrong tree. There’s plenty of Leonardos in the sea.”

I haven’t seen Jack Lemmon since that night, but I saw JFK, which he made shortly after our conversation at The Driskill. Suspiciously absent from the film was any mention of Da Vinci or his secret code. Many people say this omission signifies that Oliver Stone attempted to cover up the true events leading up to that fateful day in December, and that the absence of Da Vinci in the screenplay is practically iron-clad proof that he was involved at a very high level in predicting and planning the assassination.

I don’t buy it. I believe that this is a very clever ruse to cover up the real truth-that Da Vinci was a patsy and that Tommy Lee Jones, John Candy, and Leonardo Di Caprio are not only responsible for the murder of our 61^st president, but also Presidents Abraham Lincoln, Chester A. Arthur, Zachary Taylor, and Franklin Roosevelt. History will bear me out.

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