10,000 BC Movie Review

This movie is the bomb!

The movie 10,000 BC is about cave men and what it would be like to have a saber tooth tiger as a friend. First, some background: Cave men started being alive about 10,000 BC. They looked a lot like modern humans, except for their faces were covered in mud and everyone had dreadlocks. They kept their faces covered in mud so they could hide from their enemies, like dragons and dinosars and giant birds. They had dreadlocks because hairbrushes and Pantene and mousse wasn’t invented until about 115,000 years later.

This caveman is whacked out about electricity

Now, on to the movie review! 10,000 BC is a very entertaining “flick” about a young caveman whose girlfriend gets abducted by the “white devil” from the North. Let me tell you, that white devil guy and his pals are bad news! But, so, the first guy gets his pals together and they go after the bad guy. On the way, he makes friends with a saber tooth tiger as well as the entire population of Africa. Together, after many trials and tribulations and near-deaths, they get his girlfriend back and kill the white devil! Actually, I fell asleep right after the guy almost doesn’t make it for the third time, so I’m just filling in the blank about the end here. But, I am pretty sure after seeing about 75 minutes of the movie that that is how it probably ended.

Check out his wicked fangs! Sabre tooth!

Overall, I recommend 10,000 BC for anyone who enjoys learning about cave men or seeing CGI woolly mammoths. So don’t miss it! It’s playing on HBO all the fucking time.

The Ruins: The Movie Review

I think I missed this part.

Okay, for starters, this is a pretty badass movie. I only came in about half-way through but I could tell from the first couple of minutes watching it that it was going to be pretty badass and it totally was.  I got that it’s about a bunch of college kids that go to like Mexico or somewhere, probably a cool place like where the Mayans lived or the Incas or whatever, and there’s these killer vines

Pyramids in Mexico are like this, except the bottom layer is tortillas

that are cannibals or some shit. 

The part I saw first was right when the French dude falls down the well and breaks his back. Then that blond chick goes down after him and busts her fucking knee.  After that it’s like a gore-fest with dudes amputating other dudes’ legs off with rocks and skillets and fire and shit and that blond chick

Sadly, these two babes never make out

gets all these killer vines growing in her fucking brain. It’s fucked up, dude! And, plus, the killer vines have these flowers that can talk and make people go totally fucking balls-nuts crazy. It’s awesome.  I think Ben Stiller directed it or some shit, too, so it was bound to be

This part was so sad, God started crying

good from the start. Anyway, check that shit out the next time you have a huge fattie to smoke and 90 minutes to kill.  You’ll be glad you did.