Sarah Palin stands exposed today as images of her reading off of the palm of her hand during the recent retard convention, I mean Tea Party Convention hit the web. BOTF has used our exciting new photo enhancing technology to divine the info scrawled on Palin’s hand. And the truth is indeed, shocking. I dare say it is flabergastingly gob-twickeringly shocking.

Alright. Everyone and their armpit has a little sumpin sumpin to say about tonight’s debate. Blah blah blah.

Sarah Palin.

I am personally still recuperating from the doctorization of that poolside Palin photo. I wanted it to be true. I am not a political person. Some would say by virtue of being human I am a political person whether or not I choose to get involved, but the people that spout this nonsense I like to bitch slap with barbed wire.

The honest truth of it is I pressed my own warped sexual fantasies upon this woman. I wanted it all to be true. Her ignorance drove me insane with lust. I wanted to do her against a tree after a long day of hunting and listen to that nasally Alaskan timbre in my ear repeat over and over a list of the evilest books mankind had ever created whilst I busted a nut. It wasn’t until I read Margaret Cho’s elaborate Palin sex romp fantasy that I realized it had run its course. My dick was engorged, I was laughing hysterically, but something was, mmm…missing.

Joe Biden.

Now, when I think of Biden I imagine a drunk divorcee at a waterpark. I can just see him by the ladies restroom, smoking a Benson and Hedges, a matted spread of luxurious white chest hair, stammering speech and swaying, while chlorinated water drips in patterns from those horrendous hair plugs. Aquasox. Cutty Sark. You get the picture.

He’s the guy at the head of a conga line. He could pick up chicks at a funeral. He would beat up a teenager, I think, over a sport. When I imagine him and Palin going at it, it’s not over foreign policy concerns or the Bailout (which is capitalized now for some reason) or creationism vs. evolution or having retards vs. aborting retards. I picture them going at it over…..2 bottles of Pinot Grigio, a hot tub, and a view of the Russian coastline. Who’s with me?? Damn, the sexual tension between those two is going to be fuckin toxic this evening! Come on, you all kinda want to see these two do it, right? Like in a 1970’s blurry-moaning-incest is hot-kinda way, you know? I am sure tonight’s festivities will be exciting no matter what, and maybe Biden will be the bulldog, or maybe he’ll be a gentleman. Blah blah blah. I guarantee you, though, the sexual tension will be palpable–or palatable…all that. Damn.

–Jason Andres,
from Big Ol Tire Fire